


I Can't Explain It 'Cause I Think You Suck

by IStoleLudwigsBaumkuchen



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alfred Tries to Be a Good Parental Figure, Awesome Trio (Hetalia), Comedy, Gen, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, Human & Country Names Used (Hetalia), Molossia swears a lot, Molossian War With East Germany, One Shot, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28752387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IStoleLudwigsBaumkuchen/pseuds/IStoleLudwigsBaumkuchen
Summary: Michael is at war with Gilbert. Gilbert doesn't know.
Relationships: America & Denmark & Prussia (Hetalia), America & Molossia (Hetalia), Prussia & Molossia (Hetalia)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	I Can't Explain It 'Cause I Think You Suck

**Author's Note:**

> A quick bit beforehand - This story focuses on The Molossian War With East Germany. If you aren't familiar with the topic, I highly recommend that you either check out [Molossia's page on their website](http://www.molossia.org/war/eastgermany.html) or [my Tumblr post on the subject](https://istoleludwigsbaumkuchen.tumblr.com/post/633193562974060544/okay-i-just-have-to-question-something-as-a-fan) (it's relatively the same information as their website but it's a tad more condensed if you'd like to get through it a bit quicker). 
> 
> (Just expect Green Day titles at this point. This one's from F.O.D.)
> 
> And just a little name guide since I have favorites for all of the micronations and Denmark (No, it isn't Mathias), and I'm just gonna do first names because I don't have last names worked out for all of them yet  
> Molossia - Michael  
> Denmark - Simone  
> Kugelmugel - Franz  
> Ladonia - Erland  
> Wy - Wendy  
> Hutt River - Oscar

“I’LL GET IT! Mike, stay there.”

Alfred had been watching the end credits for the last episode of a rerun of The Twilight Zone when he heard the doorbell ring and bolted to his front door.

“Yeah, yeah, go see the rest of your old man friends. And for the last time, it’s Michael to you!” Michael called out.

“We’re not old!”

“Do you really want to start this? You’re older than electricity. You’re old.”

“Ughhhh, don’t be mean, Mike!”

“Michael!”

“Whatever!”

“Hey dude-” He looked into his driveway and only saw one car, further confusing him as to why both of his friends were right in front of him. “...D-Dudes? How are you both here?”

“Oh, Gil picked me up on his way over!” Simone said with a grin.

“Yep! Look at me being an awesome friend!” The ashy haired nation said with a prideful grin.

“Gil, talking about being a good friend makes people think you’re not a good friend.” Alfred pointed out.

Gilbert looked down a bit before trying again.

“Well, look at me being a totally awesome friend by not talking about how awesome of a friend I am.” He said, quieter this time.

Simone and Alfred facepalmed.

“Never change, Gil, never change.”

“Anyways, come on in! I’ve got some pop in the fridge and I was planning on ordering a pie later if that's cool with you guys?"

"Sounds awesome!" Gilbert and Simone said in unison. 

Alfred walked back inside, his friends following close behind. They quickly made their way into the living room which had clearly been straightened up beforehand, Alfred stopping in the kitchen to grab drinks for the two of them as they made their way to the couch.

"So, how's the little guy doing?" Simone said, ruffling Michael's hair.

"I am not little! And I'm doing fine!" Michael snapped back.

"Whoa, calm down Mike, it's just us. Speaking of which, you always seem so angry when we’re around, is everything okay?” He asked, pulling his hand back.

“Yeah, what’s up? You just don’t like people? I can get that, but I don’t go chewing people’s heads off for it.” Gilbert chimed in.

“It’s nothing, just back off, damn.” Michael replied with a huff.

Alfred came back into the room, balancing three cans of soda in his hands.

“Over here!” Simone called out.

“Here ya go!’ He handed one over.

“Don’t forget about me!” Gilbert said with a grin.

“I could never, you talk about yourself too much!” Alfred chided while handing him his drink, then sat down and opened his own.

“Hey! Are we going to spend the whole time just telling me I only talk about myself?”

“We could, but you still wouldn’t stop!” Simone replied, bumping shoulders with Alfred.

“Idiots.” Michael said to himself, rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses which he refused to take off, even if he was inside.

“Oh yeah, Alfred, you know what’s up with him?” Gilbert asked.

Alfred shrugged.

"No clue, he's not like this around other people, just you two."

"I'm still in here, you know?"

"If you're in here, then tell me why you're being mean." Alfred said.

"Nah." Michael said and walked off into his room, holding up a certain finger as he did so.

Alfred blinked, not fully processing what happened.

"I-I'm sorry about him." He finally responded. 

"It's fine, just kids being kids." Gilbert noted.

"I just, he's never like this around anybody else! He's a good kid, I promise! He only gets like this around you two!" Alfred fretted, grabbing a pillow from the couch to hold and rest his chin on.

"Maybe he just doesn't like how loud we can get?" Simone pondered out loud.

"Franz is the one that doesn't like noise. Mike's friends with the Australian one, noise isn't an issue." Gilbert countered.

"You mean Wendy? Peter's friend?"

"No, the one that's a guy. Ugh, I can't remember his name! I know it's an "O" name, though"

"Oakley?" Alfred asked.

"Definitely not." Gilbert replied. 

"Ollie?" Simone tried.

"That's not right either."

"Oscar?" Alfred asked once more.

"Oscar! That's it!"

"Ah, he is really loud. I guess that marks off loudness from the list." Alfred noted.

"Hey, how about we let him settle for a bit and ask him later, 'kay? Simone asked, trying to get back on track.

"Yeah! Plus we need to order food before we start playing!" Gilbert added.

"Okay, okay, I'll call the pizza joint down the road and y'all can get Smash set up, cool?" Alfred gave in, pulling his phone out.

Meanwhile, while the trio was downstairs and setting up their game, Michael had been shuffling around his room, trying to scratch the itch that was the need to punch a certain someone. 

FuckinBadass: The fucker is here - 6:27 pm

Franz: Could you not call my uncle a "fucker" (and I'm changing your name, it isn't art) - 6:29 pm

_Franz changed FuckinBadass's name to "Michael"_

Michael: Ugh, fine. Either way, your dipshit uncle is here, and he and the the idiots are being fucking annoying - 6:31 pm

WhyWy: I don't understand why you can't give it up already - 6:32 pm

Michael: As long as boss keeps saying it's on, it's on - 6:33 pm

ItsLadOniaNotLadonia: Could you at least be a little less violent? - 6:34 pm

Michael: We're at WAR, Erland - 6:34 pm

ItsLadOniaNotLadonia: And? Everytime we have a meeting with Mr. Austria, you always try and punch him if he's there - 6:36 pm 

Michael: He deserves it - 6:37 pm

NoLongerHutt: He isn't even East Germany anymore! - 6:38 pm

Michael: THE ISLAND! - 6:38 pm

Franz: Cuba **has** said it is their property - 6:39 pm

Michael: Nobody lives there to say anything, so suck it - 6:40 pm

WhyWy: And? It's still theirs - 6:40 pm

Michael: Nope, I'm not listening anymore - 6:41 pm

"MIKE, PIZZA'S HERE!" Alfred yelled from downstairs.

Michael: Food's here, talk to you later - 6:42 pm

Sea: Sorry just got to my phone, let me scroll through the chat - 6:42 pm

Sea: MICHAEL DO NOT PUNCH GILBERT - 6:43 pm

Michael: Can't stop me, now let me go get food - 6:43 pm

Sea: Michael, promise me you won't punch him - 6:44

_Read_

Michael got up from his bed and made a jog down the stairs. Sure, he hated people, but he was hungry and pizza was waiting for him, even if he had to punch someone for it. And plus, with Gilbert's history of ignoring the war, Michael sure as hell wasn't going to let him do nothing tonight.

Yeah, he'd been planning this, for a few days, at least. It wasn't the nicest way to do it, but it's not like he could just go, "Hey, can I, a random relative of your friend who has a history of hating you, come over with no reason so that I can beat your ass?", that'd just be plain stupid. So he'd planned to deck him today. When? Who knows? But he was going to do it today, that's for sure.

"Mikey, you comin'?" Alfred called

"Call me Mike or Mikey again and I'm taking a whole pizza upstairs!"

"Okay, chill, just come eat before it gets cold!"

"I'm fuckin comin, just calm down!" He made his way to the bottom of the stairs.

"Language." Alfred tried to tell Michael off, but it was mainly just for show. He tried to warn him not to when no one was around for a while, but gave up when it didn't seem to do anything. 

“You know, I might have some old parenting books from when West was a kid. If you want em, I could drop them off sometime.” Gilbert offered.

“He’s not my dad, he doesn’t need books to know how to parent me!”

“And? West is my brother and I still used them. They’re pretty handy books, honestly.”

“Maybe, I'll think about it. Thanks for the offer, man!" Alfred said with a grin, knowing there was no way any advice they contained wasn’t going to help at all.

"Of course, kids are a pain in the neck, having a good source of advice is important."

Michael just stood there, painfully bored as he went to grab a plate. It wasn’t long before Simone realised that Gilbert was taking a while to get his plate made, seemingly lost in his head, probably reminiscing about Holy Roman Empire.

“Hey, are you going to start getting your food?” He asked, waving his hand in front of Gilbert’s face.

“O-Oh, uh, yeah! You two can go ahead, Alfred said he was going to start up a show while we eat anyway. I’ll be in there soon.”

“You sure?” Alfred questioned.

“Positive.”

“Okie dokie! We’ll be in the living room waiting, then.” Alfred picked up his plate and made his way out of the kitchen, Simone soon following in tow.

Michael knew this was his chance. He had set his plate down behind him and Gilbert was facing the other way. He was wide open, even if he didn’t mean it. Granted, Michael was always confused why Gilbert’s guard was always down around him, almost like he didn’t care about the war at all, but Michael didn’t care. If Gilbert wasn’t going to do anything, Michael would, no questions asked. 

And so, he took his chance and ran. 

He had less than a minute, and he knew he couldn’t wait. He checked his surroundings, silently thanking whoever built this house for putting a wall right in between the kitchen and the living room.

He formed his hand into a fist and pulled it back, heart pounding in his eardrums. He was nervous, as this was the first time he didn’t have someone actively telling him to stop. This would be the first time he was going to land a punch. But he couldn’t think about his nervousness right now, he had to focus so he could do this, and do it now.

He pulled his arm back further, although his elbow barely passed a few inches behind his shoulder, as he remembered the correct way to throw a punch. He took a second to breathe, aimed, closed his eyes. and threw his first forward.

He felt his knuckles crack gently, along with a pressure now against his hand. 

“I did it, I fucking threw the punch, finally.” He thought to himself, taking a moment to collect himself before opening his eyes.

Except, it didn’t feel right. The pressure was around his entire hand, not a flat surface like a back. He was scared, but he still opened his eyes, only to find another hand clamped around his. 

“Hey, Mike, at least give me a heads up before trying to spar, ‘kay?” Gilbert said, a slight smirk on his face, despite the fact that he was holding a fist that was actively trying to harm him.

“S-Spar?” Michael was confused, as this wasn’t a little game, this was **war**. But, he was scared, he couldn’t lie, and like a coward, as he himself would say, he took the chance he was given as if it were a miracle. “Y-Yeah, s-sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, I know you kids are just full of nothing but rage.” He let go of Michael’s hand, opting to ruffle his hair with a chuckle.

Michael simply bit his tongue, the pride and confidence he had originally completely gone at this point. He had no clue this strange kindness coming from Gilbert was, unless… 

Of course, this was just a tactic to make Michael put his guard down. The former nation had been around for centuries, he knew exactly what he was doing. That would explain everything. It’s not like they met often, so of course he hadn’t made a move yet. It would take longer to gain his trust, and based on how aggressive he came across, it was probably taking longer than Gilbert would have hoped. He sighed and went into his room, trying to avoid Gilbert for as long as possible.

The nation in question had proceeded to grab a couple slices of pizza and headed into the living room, joining Alfred and Simone.

“Hey man, what took you so long?” Alfred asked, having already picked out and started a show that had made it halfway through the intro.

“Oh, nothing, I just couldn’t decide what kind of pizza I wanted.” He answered.

“You could have just grabbed one of each?” Simone noted.

“...I could have done that.”

“It’s cool, just get on over here so we can start watching!” Alfred said, rather loudly.

Gilbert settled into his spot on the couch and began eating, although he wasn’t paying all that much attention to the show that was on, and silently pulled his phone out a few minutes later.

Gilbert: Hey West, do you have a minute? - 19.02

Ludwig: Yes, why? - 19.04

Gilbert: You know Michael, right? - 19.05

Ludwig: Maybe? Could you be a little more specific? - 19.07

Gilbert: Alfred’s micronation. The one that won’t take his sunglasses off - 19.09

Ludwig: Oh, that one. Molossia, I believe? - 19.10

Gilbert: Yeah! - 19.11

Ludwig: Then yes, I do know him. Why do you ask? - 19.13

Gilbert: Do you know why the kid hates me so much? - 19.15

Ludwig: What? - 19.16

Gilbert: He hates my guts. He tried to punch me earlier - 19.18

Ludwig: You mean you don’t know? - 19.20

Gilbert: Know what? - 19:21

Ludwig: You should probably ask him yourself - 19.23

Gilbert: Ask him what? How do you know this and I don’t? What is going on? - 19.24

Ludwig: Look, Franz told me after Michael tried to do something similar at Roderich’s home. I have no idea how you don’t know this already, but I don’t think I should be the one to tell you. - 19.27

Gilbert: Ugh, fine, but I don’t know why you have to make this harder than it has to be - 19.29

Ludwig: I’m not, you’ll thank me that you asked him yourself - 19.31

Gilbert: Okay, but if this is some tiny thing that means nothing, the dogs are sleeping in my room tonight. - 19.34

Ludwig: They won’t be, I promise - 19.35

The show had ended just as Gilbert tucked his phone away, and Alfred had already hopped up and began ranting to Simone about a character who was killed that week’s episode.

“She didn’t deserve that! Especially not with a crowbar!”

“ I know! How could they just kill off a main character like that?!” Simone agreed, almost yelling.

“Hey Al, is it cool if I talk to Mike for a sec? I might be able to figure out all of the nonsense.” Gilbert asked. Granted, it was a little sudden, but he wanted to get this sorted out as soon as possible.

“Huh? Yeah, sure. Not like I’d have any better luck” Alfred allowed, taking a second to continue. “Just be sure to duck if he throws something at ya, it’s happened to me more than once.”

Simone nodded, being a target for Emil to toss various objects at quite a few times.

“Don’t worry about it, a kid throwing a book won’t put a dent in me.” Gil said with a grin, although it was more of a front to hide his confusion from his brother’s texts.

“The door’s upstairs, third one on your left.”

‘Ah, thanks. Hopefully this won’t take too long, I’ll try to be back down soon.” 

The other two nations nodded, Alfred giving a thumbs-up for good luck as Gilbert made his way upstairs, knocking on Michael’s door when he got to it.

“The fuck do you want?” Michael yelled from behind the door.

“I just wanna talk for a few minutes, is that cool?”

“Why?”

“I just had a few questions?”

“Why the hell can’t Alfred ask them?”

“I... He thought I’d have better luck at getting answers.” It wasn’t exactly a lie, although it wasn’t exactly the real answer either. 

This was already more difficult than Gilbert had hoped it’d be, but he couldn’t give up. He needed to know what his Ludwig, Franz, and probably even more people knew. This had been going on for years at this point, and he was so close to finding out why Michael seemed to hate his guts. And so he continued to push forward.

“Just... fine. Come in, I guess.”

He took a breath, glad that he wasn’t completely shut out, and turned the doorknob, opening the door. He was surprised to see that his room was much lighter than he expected. He had imagined something like Tino’s room, completely black with rather aggressive decor, instead finding light beige walls with a pale navy blue and soft green color palette. He wasn’t sure at first, but there was even a little stuffed animal version of Michael’s “dog”, a small tag showing that it was a gift from the girl that stays with Jett, Wendy.

“Your room is a lo-” He was cut off.

“Don’t say a goddamn thing about it.” Michael said with a huff, his “dog”, the real one this time, hopping up onto his lap to try and calm him down. He looked down and gave it a few pets, before receding his hand to appear more scary than he was. “Now what did you want to ask?”

“Look. I need to know what is going on with you.” It came out a little flatter than he wanted, but Gil was getting impatient at this point and his temper was wearing thin.

“Huh? What are you talking about?” 

The elder nation sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Why do you hate me?”

This confused Michael even more. Gilbert knows exactly why, doesn’t he? Playing a bit dumb earlier made sense, but why the hell would he be acting like he didn’t even **know** about the war now?

“You know exactly why.” It wasn’t the best answer, but it was true, at least, he thought so.

“Uh, no I don’t, actually.”

“The fuck? Yes you do. This has been going on for damn near 40 years, there’s no way you don’t know. Stop playing dumb.” Michael was so close to snapping, there was no way he could take this idiocy much longer

“40 years? You weren’t even a thing 40 years ago! I genuinely have no clue what you’re talking about!” Gilbert was so confused now. He and Ludwig weren’t even back as one at that point in time, there was no way he and Michael had a history dating back that far.

“Yes I fucking was! I just had a different name back then! I’ve been around since ‘77, asshat!” He didn’t mean to yell, as Alfred and Simone were still downstairs, but that escaped his mind as anger boiled through his veins.

“Huh? What was it?” This was new. Granted, all of this was new, but the fact that he wasn’t called Molossia at first was definitely new information. This meant that he could have known him beforehand, even if he looked the same. Gilbert’s memory wasn’t exactly perfect, especially during that time.

“The Grand Republic of Vuldstein.” He answered with a sigh.  
That name was familiar to Gilbert. Although it was vague, he felt as though he’d seen it before. Not too many times, mind you, but at least once or twice.

“Okay… that sounds familiar, but I still have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“ I swear to God, how long are you going to keep this up?” Michael was trying, he really was, but Gilbert could only keep doing this for so long before his brain melted.

“Kid, I’m telling the truth, I have no idea what you could be talking about.”

“I don’t know if this is some fuckin’ tactic or some shit, but seriously. Cut. It. Out.”

“Tactic? What do you mean by tactic?” Gilbert asked, highly confused and rapidly growing concerned at this point.

“Holy shit, are you stupid?! How long are you gonna act like we’re not at war?!” Michael broke at this point. He was pissed and wasn’t going to keep playing his game anymore.

War?

_War?_

**War?**

What did Michael mean by war?

There wasn’t a war going on. Well, not in his country at least. So what the hell did he mean by war?

“A war?! What in the world are you talking about?” 

Now Michael was confused. He had to know. There was the declaration, all the other micronations knew, hell, he was pretty sure even Ludwig knew! This had been going on for 37 years, how didn’t he know?!

“You’re bullshitting me.”

“I’m not. You’re the one who’s kidding.”

“No, pretty sure you are. There’s a declaration and everything. Even a page on our nation’s website.”

“A declaration? Do you have it?” To say Gilbert was flabbergasted would be an understatement. He’d apparently been at war for almost 4 decades and he had no clue. But at this point, any bit of real evidence would be helpful.

“Uh, yeah, give me a second.” His heart was racing as he opened up the gallery on his phone, anger being replaced with bafflement and he pulled up a scanned image of the document.

_DECLARATION OF WAR_

_Declaring that a state of war exists between the Grand Republic of Vuldstein and the German Democratic Republic._

_Whereas the Government of the German Democratic Republic has overtly and covertly conspired to disturb the peace of this nation, by actions deliberately annoying and disruptive to one’s sleep, it is resolved that a state of war exists between the Grand Republic of Vuldstein and the German Democratic Republic, this second day of November 1983. The King and Prime Minister are hereby authorised to employ the military forces of the Grand Republic of Vuldstein to carry on war against the German Democratic Republic and to bring the conflict to a successful termination._

_Kevin Baugh,  
Prime Minister_

“Wait a second! _Gott im Himmel_ , I remember this! You were serious?!” Gilbert yelled, although not from anger, but the sheer absurdity of the document.

“Of course we fuckin’ were! Why wouldn’t we be?!”

“You were a fake island of the coast of France! Of course we thought it was fake!”

“That doesn’t mean anything! It’s still a valid declaration, and we’re still at war!”

That was the part that confused him. He didn’t get pissed around his brother, so they weren’t at war with the entirety of Germany, but then, how were they still claiming to be at war?

“How? The DDR is long gone, so there’s no way there’s still a war.” 

“Well, there’s this island, and it’s kinda still East Germany, but no one lives there, so no one can say anything. _And it wasn’t in the treaty…_ ” 

And from there, began a long night of discussing, confusion here and there, and some making-up. The war was far from over, the two of them coming to the conclusion that since no one could speak for the other side, there wasn’t a fair way to end it. Plus, Gilbert couldn’t help but find it humorous that a tiny micronation who had forgotten about a war for almost two decades continued to declare that they were fighting with him. Granted, he hated thinking about that time, and nothing would fix that, he couldn’t lie that the kid had some courage to keep this going this long.


End file.
